


life, death, and the afterlife

by troubledsouls



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Disowning, Homophobia, Panic Attacks, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-09-23 08:06:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 9,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9647429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troubledsouls/pseuds/troubledsouls
Summary: Josh takes a few steps forwards and collapses into Tyler's arms.





	1. son of all i've done

_tyler_

**yeah?**

_cnni tell u something_  
_its important_

**you can tell me anything**

_this jus happened n i dont know why i feel calm it feels like my entire universe is falling apart around me n i cant stop it i cnt do anything i cn jus watch n i know i shld b freaking out bt i jus_  
_dont have the energy_

**josh what happened**

_i was raped_

**where are you**

_i dont know  
let me send u my location_

_oh gd tyler i think im gnna throw uo_

**jordan’s coming, okay? hes gonna get to you and youre gonna be safe**

_no_   
_im not  
i_   
_ffcuk_

**josh call me right now**

Tyler picks up his phone as soon as it rings.

At least Josh isn't hyperventilating on the other side of the line. His breathing is uneven, ragged, as if he's about to panic but hasn't quite reached that point.

“I'm here, Josh, I'm here, don't worry.” Tyler whispers soothing words as Josh just breathes.

Tyler's okay with Josh not saying anything, it's just comforting to know his friend is there and alive.

Maybe not safe, but alive.

It's maybe ten minutes before Tyler hears footsteps, hears Jordan’s voice through the speakers of Josh's phone.

“Josh, your face is bleeding-” is the last thing Tyler hears before the line goes dead.


	2. your soul knows both sides

Tyler nearly cries when Josh and Jordan climb into the bus. 

The left side of Josh's face is cut and bleeding slightly, as well as his fingers. Jordan delicately places Josh’s half-destroyed phone into the counter. He's shaking with anger. 

Josh looks afraid. 

“Come on, I'm gonna clean up your cuts.” Jordan lays a protective arm across Josh's shoulders and leads him to the bathroom. 

Tyler feels as though he's done something wrong. 

He stares helplessly at the door to the bathroom, listening to Josh's quiet sobs and Jordan’s soft words. 

The bathroom door opens an Tyler gets to his feet slowly, watching as Josh shuffles out. Tyler slowly steps towards him, and Josh's eyes dart up towards the movement. 

“Hey fren.” Tyler says softly. 

Josh takes a few steps forwards and collapses into Tyler's arms. 

It doesn't take any coaxing on Tyler's part to get Josh into his bunk, and neither needs to voice the question before Tyler wedges himself in behind Josh. He pulls Josh's thick blanket over them, and it's warm and safe. 

Josh tucks his head into Tyler's chest and breathes softly. He hasn't had a panic attack yet and he doesn't know why. He just knows he's safe with Tyler's arms around him. Tyler is safe. 

The tour bus starts up with a soft rumble. Josh whimpers as it begins to move, prompting Tyler to pull him even closer. 

“Do we need to cancel tomorrow's show?” Tyler asks in a soft voice. 

“Jordan already asked. I told him no.” Josh mumbles. “I don't think I'll go shirtless.”

“I understand that.”

“Can I wear the skeleton hoodie all show?”

“Of course. Anything you need.” Tyler gently kisses Josh's head. 

“Safe.” Josh murmurs. 

“Safe.” Tyler agrees.


	3. ate through your favorite shirt

Josh has his first panic attack of the day when he wakes up. 

He's hyperventilating, barely able to gasp in air before his body pushes it back out. 

“Joshie, Josh, come on, breathe for me.” Tyler's voice is soft, comforting, soothing. Josh tries to breathe. 

He manages a long, shuddering breath before huffing it back out. 

“You're doing so good, come on, you can do it.” Tyler runs his hands slowly up and down Josh's back. 

“Out.” Josh manages, and Tyler slides out of the bunk. 

Josh practically falls out, barely steadying himself before ripping off his shirt and throwing it onto the floor. 

Tyler understands immediately, and darts into the back to grab Josh a change of clothes. 

Josh practically rips off his jeans as Tyler returns. He's still breathing too fast, but it's better. He's still panicking, but it feels less intense. 

He pulls off his boxers and Tyler immediately hands him another pair. 

Josh pulls them on, then the sweatpants Tyler gives him, then the hoodie. It's their own merch, and Josh realizes it's Tyler's. 

It smells like him. 

Tyler picks up Josh's discarded clothes. “Should I throw these away?”

“Can we burn them?” Josh asks, squeezing his eyes shut. It's easier to get his breathing under control now. 

“Of course.” Tyler says. “Let me check in with people real quick, and we’ll do that now. Do you need water?”

“Yeah. I'll get it, though. You just go.”

Tyler nods and slips out of the bus. 

Josh breathes deep. In through his nose, out through his mouth. In and out. In and out. 

All of the clothes he's wearing are Tyler's. 

He sinks slowly to the ground, pulling up the hood and burying his nose in the fabric. 

It's like Tyler is there with him. 

It's a while before Tyler comes back. “We can burn them. Come on.”

Josh gets up and slowly follows Tyler. 

The pile of clothes in the mostly empty lot makes Josh's stomach twist into knots. Mark is there with his camera. 

A slight nod from Josh, and Mark lifts it up and points it at Josh and Tyler. 

Josh takes the box of matches Tyler hands him and sits down. 

“That was my favorite shirt.” His voice is very soft. 

“It's okay.” Tyler says. 

Josh lights a match and presses it to the clothing, watching as it slowly burns to ashes.


	4. i haven't been the best

The second panic attack is during an interview. 

Josh doesn't know what triggers it, he just knows that he's beginning to hyperventilate. 

He pulls part of the hoodie up over his mouth and closes his eyes. He goes through the breathing exercises he's had drilled into his head for years. In and out. In and out. 

Tyler's talking out something band-related, and Josh knows that it'll be a while before he stops. Josh focuses on Tyler's voice. 

In through his nose, out through his mouth. 

He's still panicking, but at least he's breathing. 

Tyler stops talking and Josh's mind races, he opens his eyes and the interviewer turns to him and Josh loses his rhythm and he's breathing fast, fast, fast and he needs to get away-

He gets up and sprints. 

The halls are long and disorienting and Josh isn't sure why he's running when he can't breathe he just knows he needs to hide hide where's a good place to hide

He ends up running across the arena floor like a pack of wolves is biting at his feet. He scrambles over the b stage barricade and squeezes himself underneath the stage. 

There's hardly enough space for his body, and it's uncomfortable and the supports are digging into his body, but he doesn't care. He curls up as small as he can. No one can get him under here. No one can hurt him under here.

Hiding beneath the stage, he can breathe. 

He hopes no one saw him. 

He manages to get his phone out of his pocket, turning it on to see texts from Tyler and Jordan. There's a missed call from Brad. 

Josh calls him back. He can trust Brad not to tell anyone where he is. 

It rings one before Brad picks up. 

“Hey, Josh.”

Josh relaxes a little. His voice is quiet, small. “Hi.” 

“Do you want to tell me where you are?”

“Only if you won't tell anyone else.” Josh can hear other people talking, can hear Tyler's indistinct, worried words. 

“Sure. I won't tell.” 

“I'm underneath the b stage.”

“Okay.” There are more voices, people asking questions. It makes Josh afraid. “Doors open in, like, five minutes.”

Josh's anxiety spikes high. “I don't want to come out.”

“If you come out, I'll find you a really nice quiet place to hide, and you won't have to come out until the show, okay? I can't imagine it's comfortable under there. It'll be calming if there aren't people who could see you.”

Brad has a point. 

“Okay.” Josh murmurs.

“We’ll get them to delay doors for a couple more minutes, alright? I'm coming.”

“Don't hang up.” Josh’s voice is a whimper.

“I won't.”

All Josh can hear is Brad’s breathing, but it's still comforting and safe just to have someone on the other end of the line. 

It's a few minutes before Josh sees Brad crouching down on the floor. 

“You wanna come out?” Brad asks softly. 

Josh nods. 

It's awkward, but he manages to get through the supports and out from underneath the stage. He nearly cries when Brad pulls him into a hug. 

“Want me to carry you?”

Josh nods. 

Brad picks him up gently, and Josh forgets his anxieties as he's carried backstage and through the halls. He's worn himself out with panicking. 

Brad takes Josh back to his dressing room and sets him gently on the couch. “Do you want a hiding place?”

Josh shakes his head. 

“Do you want to sleep?”

Josh nods. 

Brad leaves, and Josh only gets up again to lock the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brad is good


	5. where you stand

Josh's third panic attack is during the show. 

The sea of people below him is making him feel sick. He doesn't bend down to take their hands, just concentrates on breathing and not falling into the crowd. 

They skipped the Ride drums. People know something's wrong. 

Josh tries to breathe, but it feels like everything has been pushed out of his lungs. There are tears in his eyes. 

Tyler taps his sticks together, and Josh tries to drum with him. 

He's aware he's off beat and that makes him almost collapse in anxiety. He tries to catch up, but it's hard. 

His drumming has been off all night. 

He can't breathe. 

He can't breathe he can't breathe hecantbreathehecantbreathe

The confetti falls around him as Josh nearly tumbles over into the crowd, somehow regaining his balance at the last second. He hyperventilates and tries not to let his body crumple in on itself, tries not to show that something's wrong even as he clutches his sticks close to his chest, even as Tyler continues to drum right across from him. 

Josh feels the fans touching him, reaching for him, soso many hands he hates the hands

He starts screaming. 

People from security pull him down from the platform and Josh fights, screaming his lungs out as soon as air reaches them. He doesn't want to be touched, he doesn't want this, he's scared he's scared he's scared he's scared

“Josh. Listen to me.” It's Tyler. “I'm going to pick you up, and I am going to carry you backstage.”

Josh is still screaming. Maybe if he screams, someone will save him. 

There are so so many people why aren't they helping him?

Josh nearly fights when someone touches him before realizing it's Tyler. 

He stops screaming and instead sobs and clutches at Tyler's shirt as he's carried far far away from the noise. 

Why didn't anyone help him?

Tyler sets Josh down on the floor and unzips his skeleton hoodie. “Someone get me water. Now.”

In his mind, Josh is still in that alleyway, trying to will himself to scream. 

But his body is sobbing as Tyler runs his hands up and down Josh's arms, as he helps Josh drink from a water bottle, as he helps Josh breathe. 

In Josh's mind, he is still screaming.


	6. tell us of the clouds

Josh sleeps with Tyler again. 

There's video being passed around of his panic attack, people commenting on how scared he seemed, people wondering why he was screaming…

Josh knows he should make a statement. 

But he's angry, too, because the fans don't need to know. They don't need to fucking know anything. It's his personal life, people don't need to theorize about him being raped like it's nothing, like it's just some character trait that they can tack onto him, like they can just offer him empty words of comfort when they don't know what it's like, like they can just pity him for something that he doesn't want to be pitied for-

Josh realizes he's crying softly. 

Tyler gently takes Josh's phone from him before pulling him close. Tyler is protecting him. Tyler is keeping him safe.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Tyler says.

Josh nods.

He sleeps with his back pressed against Tyler’s chest, and he wakes up alone.

He nearly panics, scrambling out of the bunk. As soon as his feet hit the floor he sees Tyler walking back towards the bunks.

Tyler looks worried, and Josh steps towards him and pulls him close.

“Don’t leave me.” Josh murmurs.

“I won’t.” Tyler promises. 

Josh feels like he’s lying.

“Can I have my phone back?” Josh asks.

Tyler’s quiet.

“Tyler, it’s my phone.”

“I think social media will stress you out too much.” Tyler’s voice is soft.

“I’m stressed out already, Tyler, I don’t think twitter is going to kill me.”

“I just want to help you...”

“Tyler, give me my fucking phone.”

“I gave it to Jordan.”

Josh shoves Tyler away from him and storms out of the bus.

He finds a door to the venue. He’s about to yank it open, but he stops and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t need to radiate anger. Anger is scary.

He gently opens the door and sneaks through the venue to find Jordan.


	7. and destroy me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, two updates in one day

Tyler walks onstage for soundcheck to see Josh lying on the floor in the middle of the arena on his phone.

Tyler doesn’t know why he feels upset. Maybe it’s Josh’s phone. Tyler knows Josh needs his phone, but it’ll cause him unneeded stress. The fans…

Their stress is always because of the fans.

“Sup Josh.” Tyler says into the mic.

Josh deletes the tweet he’s been trying to write for the past two hours. “Hi Tyler!”

Tyler sings gently into the microphone and strums his ukulele and bass and plays his piano as Josh words and rewords and rewords his tweet. He’s already checked his drums.

Finally, just as Tyler’s finishing up, Josh settles on a tweet.

‘for those of you worried, im not okay, but getting better. not ready to tell what happened yet, but support helps. stay street’

His hand shakes as he presses the ‘Tweet’ button.

Tyler pulls out his phone and frowns, glancing at Josh on the floor.

Josh waves, and Tyler motions for Josh to join him backstage.

Josh reluctantly gets up off the floor and slips into the back halls. He follows Tyler into his dressing room.

“You tweeted?” Tyler’s tone is accusatory.

“I thought people deserved an explanation.”

“We haven’t tweeted about other shit that’s happened to us. Why this?”

“Because it went viral, Tyler. Beyond our fans viral.” Josh pulls at his hair. “That’s the kind of thing we have to address.”

“You saying you’re not okay is just going to make people more worried!”

“They deserve to know the truth!”

“They don’t need to know anything about us!”

“You don’t need to bring _your_ feelings about our fanbase into _my_ decisions!” Josh jabs his index finger into Tyler’s chest. “I chose to tell them because they were worried, because I care about them knowing about me more than you do! That’s why you don’t have a snapchat, that’s why you’re inactive on all your social media, that’s why you drop off the face of the fucking earth every time we’re not on tour!”

Tyler looks both hurt and angry. “You being open is the reason people know so much of your personal information! They had your parents phone number, your parent’s home address, so much personal information because you put yourself out there like an idiot! This is why you get hurt all the time!”

Josh jerks back like he’s been punched.

Tyler immediately regrets his words. “Josh, I...”

“Don’t fucking apologize.” Josh is seething. “I know I deserved it.”

Josh turns and storms out of the dressing room, leaving behind a Tyler with tears welling up in his eyes.


	8. you're my pride and joy

“You should talk to him.” Mark says as Josh tightens his tie.

During their interviews earlier, there had been a tension between Josh and Tyler that Josh hoped nobody but themselves noticed. They tried to joke with each other, but Josh still had anger behind his eyes and Tyler often ended up crying softly between each interview.

“I know.” Josh shrugs on his jacket. “But he was right.”

“Josh, you shouldn’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault.”

“No, Tyler _was_ right. I’m too open with the fans.”

“That’s not such a bad thing-”

“I was raped by a fan, Mark.”

Mark freezes. “Oh christ.”

Josh zips up the hood of the skeleton hoodie. “I’m scared.”

“It’s okay to be scared.”

“What if she’s here?”

“We will protect you.” 

Josh looks over at Mark. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Places in five!” Someone calls into the room. Josh casts his eyes down to the floor.

“I’ll talk to Tyler after the show.” Josh promises.

Mark nods. “Now go get ready.”

Josh slips out of the room and down the halls to his side of the stage. He and Tyler pass each other and don’t acknowledge each other, garnering strange looks from the crew.

Josh doesn’t really have the energy to care.

He knows his drumming is lackluster, that he should be putting in his all, but he just feels drained. He’s exhausted, and it seeps into his bones.

He doesn’t do crowd drums for Ride.

During the Trees drums Josh tries not to scan the crowd, tries not to look at their faces, tries not to let himself be touched. People are holding up signs around him.

Josh thinks he’s gonna throw up. 

He stumbles back onto the stage and stands beside Tyler. They make eye contact, and then Josh tackles Tyler and they fall to the ground.

Josh clings to Tyler in a hug and Tyler hugs him back. People are screaming.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler whispers.

“It’s okay.” Josh murmurs. “You were right.”

“No, I wasn’t, I was shitty.”

“That’s okay.”

Josh lifts himself up onto his elbows and smiles down at Tyler. “You’re my shitty friend.”

“Oh, fuck off.” Tyler’s grinning.

Josh presses his forehead to Tyler’s, and in a mutual movement they press their lips together.

The cheer that goes up is incredible.

They pull apart, and Josh helps Tyler up, and Tyler is blushing and Josh has tears in his eyes and they kiss again.

This isn’t their first kiss, it’s not even their hundredth, they’re the kind of friends who kiss all the time and it’s casual.

But this one, in front of thousands of their fans, feels more real than any of the ones before.

Tyler pulls away and they bow, deep and long, arms around each other. 

“I forgive you.” Josh says.

“I do too.” Tyler kisses him on the cheek, and they rise up laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay


	9. set me free

It’s a hotel night.

They mute their phones and climb into their shared bed, Josh automatically tucking himself up against Tyler.

They breathe together, quietly soaking in each other. 

“Can I ask you something?” Josh mumbles. He half-hopes Tyler doesn’t hear.

Tyler always hears. “What’s up?”

“Will, uh...” Josh gathers his courage. “Will you have sex with me?”

“Why?” Tyler’s tone isn’t accusing, but Josh still feels as though he’s being investigated.

“B-because… because being raped was my first time and you’re the only person I trust.” Josh blurts out. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to breathe.

“Josh…” Tyler sounds so pitying and it makes Josh almost angry. “That doesn’t have to count.”

“It does. I came… I came in her, Tyler, she made me, oh god what if she’s pregnant Tyler I don’t want that that can’t have happened-” Josh begins to hyperventilate.

“Shh, Josh, it’s okay.” Tyler places a hand on Josh’s chest as he counts, and Josh breathes in and out. It’s a quick attack, but it leaves Josh shaking and scared.

“Please.” Josh whispers.

“Now?” Tyler asks.

Josh is shaking so so hard. “Stop as soon as I ask.”

“Of course.” Tyler says.

They only manage to get their shirts off before Josh has another panic attack.

He’s hyperventilating so hard he’s wheezing, he’s unable to breathe and Tyler can’t calm him.

Josh starts to scream, and Tyler covers his mouth, and that just makes Josh scream louder.

“Come on, come on, Josh, it’s me, it’s me.” Tyler says, free hand running up and down Josh’s back in an attempt to calm him. “Breathe, breathe, breathe...”

Josh shoves Tyler away from him.

Tyler falls off the bed and hits the floor hard. He can hear Josh’s pained breaths and weakening screams. He doesn’t know how to help him.

Tyler stays on the floor for a long time as Josh winds down, breaths becoming deeper, voice becoming silent.

Tyler crawls to his suitcase and pulls out his yellow hoodie. He sees Josh curled up on the bed, whimpers beginning to be audible.

With the yellow hoodie clutched tightly in his hands, Tyler goes over to Josh slowly. “Hey.”

“I’m sorry.” Josh sounds weak.

“Don’t worry. It’s okay.” Tyler helps Josh ease into the hoodie. Josh looks exhausted. “Let’s wait for a while, okay?”

“I want to try again now.” Josh tries to reach down Tyler’s pants and Tyler grabs his hands.

“Later.” Tyler’s voice is soft but commanding.

Josh suppresses a flinch.

They settle together again, Josh’s face buried in the crook of Tyler’s neck.

Tyler holds Josh as he cries himself to sleep.


	10. they will not take you down

They stay in the hotel as long as they can. 

They don't talk, don't kiss, just hold each other. The closeness is comforting. 

Eventually Mark bangs on the door and tells them to get up. 

They reluctantly do, dressing in each other's clothes and packing up their things. 

They open their hotel door to see Mark with his hands on his hips. 

“Kissing onstage? Really?” 

“It went viral didn't it.” Josh stares at the floor.

“Yes, it did, as if you two couldn't get even more sensationalized.” Mark rubs at his eyes. “The label is furious-”

“The label is always furious.” Tyler grumbles. 

“That's because you can't stay within even the easiest parameters!”

“Okay, we’re not having a fight right now.” Josh steps between Tyler and Mark. “How bad is it.”

“No paparazzi, probably because they don't know where you are.”

“You really think they’ll want us?” Tyler's head snaps up from staring at the floor. 

“It's possible.” Mark says. “Now come on, lets get going. We’ll try to do damage control on the bus.”

“Damage control? Why would we want to control this?” Josh feels anger rising up inside of him. 

“If you two want to keep your pristine reputation-”

“We don't have a good reputation and you know that.” Tyler growls. “We don't need to do damage control on this.”

“The label wants-” 

Tyler cuts Mark off. “Fuck what the label wants!”

Mark’s silent, looking between Tyler's anger and Josh's resigned sadness. “You two are dating, aren't you.”

“No.” Josh says. He looks at the floor. 

“No, we’re not.” Tyler agrees. 

“It's okay if you are-”

“We’re not.” Tyler says more firmly. 

“Okay.” Mark runs a hand through his hair. “We still have to go, and we still have to do what the label says. And the label says damage control.”

“Fuck the label.” Tyler says. 

Mark pauses before nodding. “You're right. Fuck the label.”

Tyler grins. 

“Okay, we have to go out to the bus. Come on.” Marks turns to go back down the hallway, and Tyler and Josh follow.


	11. i care what you think

Tyler’s panic attack comes out of nowhere. 

They're playing Mario Kart, and Tyler's in the lead. They're in the last lap when suddenly Tyler starts wheezing. 

He drops his controller and doubles over, gasping in too fast breaths that prompt Josh to rush to his side. 

“Tyler, Tyler, hey.” Josh moves Tyler so he's sitting upright. His eyes are wide open and wild.

Josh is scared that Tyler is dying. 

“Breathe, Tyler, breathe, come on.” Josh tilts Tyler's head so they make eye contact. “I know you can do it. Breathe in slow, come on.”

Tyler sucks in a deeper breath before letting it back out fast. 

Josh talks Tyler through it, one hand on his chest. 

Josh praises Tyler as his breaths slow, praises him when he collapses against Josh, praises him as he begins to cry softly. 

“I'm here.” Josh rubs a hand up and down Tyler's spine. “It's okay.”

Tyler clings to Josh as though his life depends on it. His life does depend on it. 

Their lives revolve around each other. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” Josh asks softly. 

“My mom.”

Those two words make fear settle into Josh's stomach. “Are you scared of what she's gonna say?”

“She's gonna disown me, Josh, I know it I know it I know it I-” Tyler's breaths begin to quicken, and Josh immediately shushes him. 

“You don't know it unless it actually happens. I doubt she will, okay? She might not be approving, but you're still her son.”

“You don't know her like that, you don't-”

“Tyler.” Josh's voice is soft but firm. “Don't work yourself up, okay? You need to rest now. That was a really bad attack.”

Tyler sniffles and buries his face into Josh's shoulder. “Okay.”

“Good boy.” Josh gently praises. 

They help each other to their feet, slipping into the back of the bus and squeezing into one of the bunks. 

Tyler sleeps in Josh's arms. 

When Tyler's phone buzzes, Josh pulls it out.

It's a text from Tyler's mom. 

His heart drops out of his chest as he reads the message. 

_twitter.com/tylerzpizza/status/193847271873  
We need to talk about this. _


	12. can you save?

Josh opens the link with shaking hands. 

It's a video of them kissing. 

Josh closes twitter, turns off Tyler's phone, and slips it back into his best friend's pocket. 

Josh doesn't nap, just holds Tyler for the three hours that he sleeps. 

Tyler awakens as the tour bus stops moving. He doesn't move, doesn't speak, just blinks slowly and snuggles himself into Josh's arms. 

“Hey.” Josh whispers. 

Tyler rubs his eyes. “Are we at the venue?”

“We don't have to go anywhere yet.”

“Mmkay.” Tyler closes his eyes again. 

“Your mom texted you while you were asleep.” 

Tyler freezes. “What did she say?”

“She saw us kiss. She wants to talk to you.”

Tyler is shaking, but his breathing is even. “Can I do that now? Just to get it over with.”

“You don't have to-”

“Yes, I do.” Tyler pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Speaker?”

“I won't say anything.” Josh promises. 

Tyler calls his mom with quivering hands and a shaking soul. 

She picks up, and Tyler waits for her to speak, waits for his world to fall apart. 

“Hello, Tyler.”

“Hi mom.” Tyler is very quiet. 

“You actually called.”

“You wanted to talk.”

“I expected you to be too scared to.”

The words cut deep into Tyler, and he shivers violently. Josh holds him closer. 

“You kissed Josh.” Her accusing tone makes Tyler squeeze his eyes shut. “You're dating him. You're dating a boy.”

“I'm not dating him.”

“You kissed in front of thousands of people, you're sure as hell dating him.” 

Tyler breathes. In and out, in and out.

“He's the reason you haven't found yourself a wife yet, isn't he? He's the reason you can't just find a nice girl to settle down with, have kids-”

“I've always told you I don't want kids.”

“Because you're gay, right?”

“I'm not gay.”

“Then why the hell are you kissing him?”

“We're friends, okay? We're friends, really close friends, we're comfortable enough with each other to kiss just casually, because kissing doesn't have to be romantic-”

“You wouldn't be kissing him if you didn't want to date him.”

Tyler goes quiet. 

“So I'm right. You are gay.”

“I'm not gay!” Tyler's voice is raising in distress. 

“Then what the hell are you?”

“I'm bi! I like boys and girls!”

His mom scoffs. Tyler can almost see her crossing her arms and rolling her eyes, like she always does when he says something she doesn't like. 

“I'm not lying.” Tyler pleads

“Fine, you may say you like both, but no son of mine dates boys.”

“I'm not dating Josh!” Tyler quickly becomes almost hysterical. 

“Don't talk to me or anyone else in this family.”

“Please, please, I won't kiss Josh anymore, I won't date him, I won't do any of that-”

“Shut up!”

Tyler goes silent.

His mom hangs up.


	13. heard you say

Tyler doesn't panic, but he cries and cries and cries, the kind of screaming crying reserved for the most awful things in life.

Josh holds him close, whispers gentle comforts into his hair as his tears soak into Josh's shirt. 

It takes an hour for Tyler to cry himself to sleep, and even in slumber he lets out sobs and whimpers. 

Josh holds him. 

Josh can't do anything but hold him. 

Someone pulls back the curtain a while later. “There you guys are. People just got let into the venue.” Jordan's voice is slightly concerned.

“Okay.” Josh says. 

“Is Tyler okay?” 

“No.” Josh tries to hold Tyler tighter. 

“Can he perform?”

“I think so. Not sure how good his voice is gonna be.”

“What happened?”

“He was crying pretty hard.” Josh strokes a hand over Tyler's hair. 

“Why?”

“I'll let him tell you. It's his business.”

“Can you wake him up?”

“Sure.” Josh gently shakes Tyler. “Hey, buddy.”

Tyler blinks awake, looking up at Josh. “Huh?”

“Show is soon.”

Tyler takes on a look of confusion, then switches to one of realization. His face begins to tighten up, and he buries his face into Josh's pillow to muffle his sobs. 

“Shh, Tyler.” Josh rubs Tyler's back. “It's okay. You've got me, and you've got Mark and Jordan and Brad. We’re your family, okay?”

Tyler takes a few shuddering breaths, lifting his head out of the pillow slowly. “You promise?” His voice is shot through, like he's been singing and performing for hours.

“Yeah. I promise. Come on, lets go into the venue and get you water and something to eat.”

Tyler sniffles and wipes his eyes. He hangs his head in shame as he follows Josh and Jordan out of the bus and into the venue. 

Josh knows Tyler's trying to hide his silent tears and runny nose. 

Josh holds Tyler again once they’re in their dressing room. Tyler cries some more, ugly sobs that soak their way into Josh's bones. 

When it's time to get ready, Josh applies Tyler's paint for him. 

“Dark, please.” Tyler's voice is scratchy and quiet. 

Josh applies the paint in thick strokes, leaving none of Tyler's skin exposed. A few tears sneak out of Tyler's eyes and splash into his lap. 

“You'll make it.” Josh promises. 

Tyler doesn't answer. 

Josh applies a thin layer of the darkness to his own neck before standing up. 

They're both suffocating.


	14. and that's where i am

Everyone can tell how awful and scratchy Tyler's voice is. 

Everyone on the crew knows Tyler is going to lose his voice, that if he can't sing again come tomorrow's show they're going to have to improvise. 

Tyler's doing his best to preserve the shards, doing his best not to scream or yell so that he has a hope of singing tomorrow. 

It works, sort of. His voice is still deteriorating, still crumbling into bits, but he's holds it together as best he can. 

He climbs up during car radio and doesn't scream. His roughened voice is effect enough. 

Goner is hard to play. 

Tyler can feel tears in his eyes, feels them pool out and stream down his cheeks. His voice sounds choked up, he knows everyone knows he's crying. 

And when it's time to scream, he screams his lungs out. His voice crumbles into fine grains and fades away. 

He can't sing the rest of the song, so he lets the crowd yell out the words, lets the crowd carry him as he tries not to sob. 

The lights go dark, and Tyler stumbles over to his synth for Trees. 

He gently plays the chords and clears his throat as the lights come up, ducking his head away from the mic. He tries to talk, and nothing comes out. 

Everyone's attention is on him, and he can't talk. 

He maintains eye contact with Josh and taps his throat. Josh understands immediately and gets out from behind his drumkit, standing behind Tyler and wrapping his best friend in a hug. 

“Hi.” Josh says into the mic. Tyler hangs his head. “Tyler lost his voice, so, uh…” Josh looks backstage at the crew. 

Mark’s voice sounds in his ear. “Do you want to stop?”

Tyler shakes his head. 

“I think we can keep going, what do you guys say?” Josh looks out at the crowd. 

A scream goes up, long and loud, and Josh smiles. Tyler's eyes are closed, but he's still playing the chords as though it's the only thing keeping him grounded. Maybe it is. 

“It's been a hard week for us.” Tyler shudders as Josh talks. “A lot… a lot has happened. To both of us. A lot of bad stuff.”

Tyler is crying. His fingers don't leave the synth. 

“But we’re gonna be okay. We promise.” Josh can feel himself begin to cry. “Cause we have to be okay, right? For all of you.”

Tyler's hands slip off the keys, and Josh replaces Tyler's fingers with his own, gently pressing the chords and Tyler turns around and hugs him and cries silently into his shoulder. 

“You guys know the words.” Josh says. “I know…”

The crowd picks up the melody as Josh plays the chords as best as he can remember, from when he played the synth and Tyler played his ukulele and they tried to create something beautiful. 

“I want to know you…” Josh quietly sings. “I want to see… I want to say…”

 _Hello…_ the crowd responds, and Josh wraps his arms around Tyler and they pull each other close. 

“I'll drum.” Tyler manages to say, voice high-pitched just to get the words out.

They release, and in the quiet, Tyler climbs over Josh's drums and picks up the beat. 

“We’re alive.” Josh whispers into the microphone, and even as tears well up in his eyes he's laughing. “We’re alive!!”

The crowd cheers, and tears pour down Josh's cheeks as he pulls the mic off the stand and walks up to the edge of the stage. He quells his anxiety with the mostly faded black paint around his neck. “I know, where you stand, silent, in the trees.” 

He sings and sings, spinning and running across the stage, trying to create the same kind of energy Tyler does. 

He revels in singing to the crowd.


	15. the breath i saw

After the show, they don't even bother to shower or wash off their makeup before going out to meet fans. 

They know they'll get in serious trouble for exposing themselves like this, but the hugs and words and gifts they get are worth it. 

Josh is Tyler's voice as the fans tell them their stories. Tyler clings to people for longer than usual when they hug. Josh and Tyler barely let go of each other's hands. 

Josh's phone buzzes with a text from Jordan. He checks it as Tyler listens intently to the story of two teenage girlfriends.

**where the hell are you**

_outside with fans_

**oh my god**

Tyler tugs Josh close to him. He's grinning. 

Josh barely has time to react before Tyler kisses him. It's only for a couple seconds, but the cheer that goes up is worth it. 

“You guys should make out!” Someone shouts, and Josh laughs. 

“We've never made out before, so I don't know how well that'll go.” Josh is grinning. “We’re not even dating!”

“You should date!” Someone else shouts. 

Josh looks over at Tyler. Tyler raises his eyebrows. 

“Yeah, we should.” Josh agrees.

Tyler nods. 

“So we’re dating?” Josh asks. 

Tyler nods again. 

“Sweet.”

They both have matching grins as the crowd cheers again. 

Jordan stalks out of the venue and Josh whips his head around. 

“Uh oh.” He mumbles. “Tyler, come on.”

Josh tugs his new boyfriend back to the bus as Jordan glares at them. Tyler waves at the crowd as they disappear inside. 

The slip into the bunk bathroom and lock the door, so Jordan won't disturb them. Tyler kisses Josh quickly, and before they know it they're clinging to each other and making out like their lives depend on it. 

There's fear settled gently in Josh's chest as Tyler's black-painted hand tangles in his hair. He tries to forget it as Tyler pushes him against the door, but it rises up and Tyler is pinning him and Josh is hyperventilating. 

Tyler steps back as Josh grits his teeth. He keeps his hands off of Josh, and Josh is grateful. 

It takes Josh a couple minutes to control his breathing. He stays upright, standing, even as his legs threaten to give out. 

Deep breaths. In and out. 

“I'm okay now.” Josh mumbles. 

“I'm sorry.” Tyler's voice is small. 

“It's okay. Not your fault. You didn't know.” Josh rubs at his red painted eyes. “We should shower.”

“Together?”

“Yeah.”


	16. we could just lay down

It takes a week of only using his voice during during shows for Tyler to fully regain speech. 

He'd nearly blown it out again at the show after he lost it, but he was careful that time and managed to get through the show somehow. 

And now Tyler could talk and laugh and cry and Josh loved it. 

But of course, when everything should have gone right, everything went wrong.

Tyler's singing at his full potential, Josh drumming hard to match his best friend, when he sees a familiar face in the crowd. 

“She's here.” Josh says into his dead mic, body beginning to shake violently. 

“Hold on, stop the show for a minute.” Tyler speaks quickly, already running to Josh. The lights fade to neutral, and their backing track stops. 

Josh can't breathe, can't focus his eyes. She's staring at him and she knows, she knows, oh god she knows how dirty he is- 

“Josh, Josh, look at me.” Josh flinches when Tyler touches him. “Where is she.”

Josh focuses on Tyler. Tyler is all he is. “Barricade. In front of me.”

“What does she look like.”

“Pale. Dark hair, curly. Freckles.” The words burn his tongue, and Josh knows he's going to throw up. 

Tyler points. “Her?”

Josh follows his finger. “Yeah, yeah.” 

Tyler steps to the front of the stage as Josh climbs down behind his kit, curling up into the fetal position and trying not to vomit. 

“Hey, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.” Tyler's voice booms through the stadium, barely restrained anger almost palpable. 

Josh twitches at the feeling of Brad’s hand on his shoulder. “What do you need?”

“Water.” Josh mumbles, and then Brad is holding out a bottle to him. 

“No, I'm serious.” Every word Tyler speaks shows more and more anger. “You need to leave, leave the venue, leave the show, just leave now.” A pause. “I know you paid, but you have to leave right now.”

Brad helps Josh sit up and holds the bottle to his lips. Josh drinks slowly, knowing that it'll help him not have a panic attack. 

“Listen, if I'm telling you to leave, you have to leave.”

Josh clings to Brad’s other hand. 

“You hurt my best friend! He's back there trying not to have a panic attack at the very thought of you looking at him and you dare to fight me on this? Get the fuck out of my show and don't come back.”

Josh starts crying. 

Brad pulls him close as Josh sobs, entire body shuddering violently as the crowd screams, as his rapist gets pulled out of the crowd and out of the building. 

Josh is dirty. 

Brad gives Josh more water and Josh takes deep breaths. Tyler crouches sides him and wipes his tears and Josh can breathe again. 

“Can you continue?” Tyler asks. His voice is soft. 

“Yeah. Just one more minute.” Josh whispers. 

Brad lets go of him and stands up and steps back and Josh collapses into Tyler's arms. He can hear the familiar snap of the camera and it's not entirely unwelcome. 

Josh feels cleaner on Tyler's arms. 

He continues the show with a shaking body, only carried forwards by Tyler's powerful words and powerful voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's gonna be a sex scene next chapter. 
> 
> It's NOT smut, it's not "sin" or whatever straight girls want to call it, it's a part of Josh's healing process and it should only be viewed that way, and definitely not in a sexual light even though its sexual subject matter. Thank you.


	17. taking my time

In their dressing room after the show, Josh clings to Tyler.

“Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, I need, I need…” Josh's words are all jumbling together. 

“Need what?” Tyler cups Josh's face with black-painted hands. 

“Can you, will you, fuck me, please?” Josh wants Tyler. “I need it, please, need to be clean need you to clean me I trust you to do it you can you can I know you can…”

Tyler's silent, contemplating, and it scares Josh. He's about to fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness when Tyler speaks. “Of course. I'll clean you.”

Josh nearly cries in happiness, shaking as Tyler eases their bodies to the floor. They kiss, gently, Josh's hands tightly clutching Tyler's shirt. 

Tyler gets up to lock the door as Josh takes his shirt off, shivering as he clutches the fabric. He watches as Tyler takes off his tank top and tosses it away. 

Tyler sits back down in front of Josh. “You sure?”

“Yes, please.”

They take off their own clothing, Josh laying down on the tile floor and nearly crying when he feels Tyler's fingers in him, moving soft and slow. 

Josh can feel her eyes on him, but Tyler is not her. She didn't do this, she just gripped his cock and rode him until he came and she came and-

His entire body jolts when Tyler presses his fingers against something good. 

Josh is quiet, quiet, and maybe that's a good thing because there's crew packing up in the hallways outside the door. 

“You ready?” Tyler's above Josh now, but it's not threatening, it's safe. 

Safe. Josh is safe. Tyler is cleaning him, wiping away the dirt. 

“Yes.” Josh whispers, and then Tyler is inside him. 

His hands cling to Tyler's shoulders, body shuddering along with Tyler's gentle movements. Gentle, gentle, Tyler is nothing but gentle, and it's such a contrast to her that Josh can feel himself crying softly

Tyler nearly stops but Josh assured him it's a good crying. 

Wrapped up in Tyler, he feels safe and clean and loved. 

Tyler is giving some of his cleanness to Josh, and Josh couldn't be more grateful. 

Tyler rocks into Josh and Josh clings to him and it's a slow build to their climaxes but they happen together. 

When Tyler pulls out Josh feels calm, sated, silent tears still leaking out of his eyes. 

“Good?” Tyler asks, and Josh nods. He knows words would ruin it. 

Safe, calm, clean. She can't get him when he's with Tyler. 

They get dressed slowly, and pack up their things. Josh’s eye makeup has run all over his face and there's Tyler's black paint on him in visible places, but neither care. 

The thought that they're dating taints Josh's mind, and he throws up into the bathroom toilet when Tyler leaves the room.


	18. i remember when

Josh shakes alone in his bunk.

Tyler's cleaning off his paint, but Josh wanted to keep the makeup on his skin. He's in Tyler's hoodie and Tyler's boxers and Tyler's sweatpants and he's surrounded by Tyler even though his boyfriend isn't here. 

Boyfriend. 

The thought makes Josh feel sick and he doesn't know why. 

Tyler squeezes into the bunk. He pulls Josh close, and Josh buries his face into Tyler's chest. 

“Hey.” Tyler whispers. 

“That wasn't boyfriend sex.” Josh mumbles. “Wasn't even sex. Was just us.”

“Just us.” Tyler gently rubs his hand up and down Josh's spine. “I can do it again for you, whenever you need.”

“Yours.” Josh says. 

“Mine.” Tyler agrees.

“I'm sorry I need you all the time, I know you've got your own stuff going on-”

“Shh, it's okay.” Tyler cuts Josh off gently. “It helps me to take care of you. Makes my head go quiet.”

“Really?”

“I would never lie to you.”

“Okay.” Josh cuddles closer to Tyler. “I’m yours.”

“You're mine.” Tyler says, gently kissing Josh's forehead. “I'll never let anyone hurt you again.”

“Thank you.”

Josh is safe in Tyler's arms. 

He reframes a question over and over again in his head, getting fidgety. 

Tyler notices. “What's wrong?”

Josh squirms underneath the question. “I don't know how to ask. I don't want to weird you out.”

“I won't be weirded out, promise.”

“I…” Josh's anxiety burns and twists his stomach. 

“Would it be easier for you to show me?”

“Yeah.” Josh mumbles.

“Okay.” Tyler kisses Josh's forehead. 

Josh takes Tyler's free hand and pulls it down their bodies. He guides Tyler's hand to his crotch. 

“Not sexual.” He blurts out, heart beating fast in his ears. “I just…”

“Do you want me to, like, hold your dick?” Tyler asks quietly. 

Josh nods, face flushing. “I know, it's weird, you don't have to…”

“It's okay.” Tyler slips his hand into Josh's boxers. “Like this?”

Josh shudders as Tyler's hand cups his dick gently. He tangles his hands into the fabric of Tyler's shirt and shudders. “Yeah.”

“Is it helping you feel better?”

“Yeah.” Josh mumbles. Tyler is protecting him.

Tyler's hand curls tight around Josh's dick. “Mine.”

Josh whimpers at Tyler's possessiveness. “Yours.”

“Good.” Tyler kisses Josh's forehead gently and pulls him closer.

Tyler is Josh's protector. 

The movement of the tour bus rocks the two to sleep.


	19. i will make you believe

When they sit down for the interview, both Josh and Tyler can tell something’s going to go wrong. 

The interviewer looks at them odd when he sees them holding hands, but the two shrug it off. They can always stop the interview, can always leave. 

It starts off with simple questions that Tyler can answer, so Josh just leans on his shoulder and closes his eyes. 

“Josh.” The interviewer starts, and Josh sits up and opens his eyes. “I'm sure all your fans are curious as to why you've been wearing your skeleton hoodie for all of the shows. Why have you been wearing it?” 

Josh stiffens slightly, and feels Tyler's gentle hands take his own. 

“I've, uh, been more self conscious really. Haven't really, uh, wanted to take my shirt off. The hoodie isn't really hot, it's a thin material, so I can drum in it pretty well.” Josh stammers a little as he answers

“And why did Tyler kick that girl out of the show? How did she hurt you?”

Josh squeezes his eyes shirt. “I, uh, I don't…”

“That's really intrusive, don't you think?” Tyler's voice has a gentle note of anger. “Respect his privacy. We’ll tell what happened when we’re ready.”

“We?” The interviewer seems very interested. 

Josh can feel tears in his eyes. 

“Yeah, we. Stuff’s happened to both of us. We’ll tell when we’re ready, not when some interviewer asks.” Tyler sounds aggressive, and it makes Josh scared. 

“Okay, you don't have to get mad.” The interviewer sounds annoyed

Josh squeezes Tyler hands hard. 

“I think we should wrap this up, I'm not really interested to see if you have any more intrusive questions.” Tyler gets to his feet and pulls Josh along with him. 

As soon as they're out of earshot of the interviewer, Josh breaks down into sobs. 

“I'm here, I'm here.” Tyler pulls Josh close so Josh can cry into his shoulder. “No one can get you. No one can hurt you. I won't let them.”

Josh takes in a shuddering breath, trying to stop crying. It works, sort of.

“Come on, lets go to our dressing room. I'll carry you.” Tyler gets to his feet and lifts Josh up with him. Josh wraps his legs around Tyler's waist and clings to him, holding on tight as he's carried through the halls. 

Tyler sets him down on the couch in their shared dressing room, going to lock the door. Josh curls up into a ball and tracks Tyler with his eyes. 

Tyler sits next to Josh. “What do you need?”

Josh doesn't know, so he stays silent. 

Tyler gently pulls Josh’s head into his lap, tangling his fingers into Josh's hair. “You're safe. I've got you.”

“Yours?” Josh asks quietly. 

“Mine.” Tyler assures. 

Josh closes his eyes, relaxing into Tyler's hands. 

Tyler gently sings, and Josh is lulled into sleep.


	20. haven't left without me

Apprehension fills Josh's bones as he and Tyler sit in front of Mark’s camera. 

They're going to tell people what happened. 

They're going to tell people they're _dating_.

Josh doesn't want to date Tyler. Tyler is his best friend. He wishes they could date as friends. 

Tyler understands. Tyler says it'll be easier to explain if they just say they're dating. 

Tyler is Josh's boyfriend. Friend-boyfriend. 

Josh clings to Tyler's hand as Mark makes sure it's in the shot. 

“Okay, go ahead.” Mark says. 

Josh feels anxiety clog his voice. 

Tyler knows this, and Tyler talks first. 

“So, this tour has been rough.” Tyler wraps his other hand around Josh’s, gentle thumb rubbing across the back of his boyfriend’s hand. “And I know you guys have been able to tell. So, Josh and I think it's only fair to, uh, let you guys know what's been going on.”

Josh has a death grip on Tyler's hand, head hanging down and eyes squeezed shut.

Tyler takes a deep breath. “My mom disowned me, and that applies to the rest of my family. My dad, my brothers, my sister…” Tyler has to stop, close his eyes, try not to cry. The tears still worm their way up into his voice. “Um, I think Madison will still talk to me. Jay, if he's allowed. But, uh, otherwise…” Tyler makes no move to wipe away the tears tracking down his face. “I've got family. Tour crew is my family. Josh is my family.” Tyler looks down at his and Josh's hands. 

Josh rests his head on Tyler's shoulder, and Tyler presses his face into Josh's hair. 

“I don't wanna say it.” Josh mumbles. He knows the words will burn his tongue and split open his insides for all the world to see and judge. 

“I've got you.” Tyler whispers. “It's okay. You don't have to. I'll be proud of you either way.”

Josh takes a couple deep breaths, feeling the burn of anxiety coiling in his stomach. He blurts it out before he can stop himself. “I was raped. By a fan. In an alley. No one came to help. It was the worst day of my life.”

One of Tyler's hands leave Josh's and pulls Josh close. Josh begins to cry softly, because _oh god_ he's going to be vulnerable, everyone is going to know, they're all going to see him and judge him and pull him apart like vultures. 

Josh is dead. 

He manages to pull himself together enough to face the camera again. 

“We’re dating now.” Tyler says it like an afterthought. “We’re together.” Tyler gently wipes the tears away from Josh's cheeks. “No one is ever going to hurt my Jishwa again.” 

Josh smiles a little, and Tyler smiles back, and Mark stops filming.


	21. are so heartless

As expected, the video blows up. 

It ends up going outside the clique, though, being covered by news outlets and being spread around America. 

Josh keeps having panic attacks every time he thinks about it. He's thrown up twice already. 

By the time the show comes, he's weak and shaking and scared. Now everyone knows. It's terrifying, terrifying, terrifying.

Tyler seems a little less afraid. He hasn't panicked, but his entire body quivers with anxiety. 

It makes sense for Tyler to be more okay. After all, his body hasn't been torn open to expose his deepest shames and secrets. 

“I hope they don't say anything.” Josh zips the skeleton hoodie over his head.

“Or hold signs.” Tyler tightens his tie just enough so that there's a slight pressure in his throat. 

“That's basically saying something.” Josh grabs his drumsticks. 

Tyler pulls on his suit jacket. “Yeah.”

“I'm scared.”

“We’ll get through this.”

“I hope you're right.”

They’re lead through the halls, and they share one last glance before ascending the stage. 

The crowd feels more frenzied than normal through the first few songs, but Josh doesn't see any signs held up yet. 

He feels sick, so he pours his anxiety and panic into his drumming. 

They go to b stage, and that's when things start to go wrong. 

There's signs held over the edge of the barricade, and both he and Tyler make an unspoken agreement not to read them. It'll be overwhelming. Support is always overwhelming. 

Josh reads them anyways, but finds they're all for Tyler. 

Messages of support from gay and trans fans. 

Josh feels like he's gonna throw up again. 

After he gets off b stage he does throw up into a trash can before sprinting to the stage for the drum battle. 

Tonight, he wishes they'd filmed a part so that his counterpart could win.


	22. chills in my bones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some kinda sexual content ahead

“Tyler.” Josh whispers.

It’s a hotel night.

Tyler pulls his shirt over his head. “Yeah?”

Josh pulls his legs up to his chest. “I don't feel good.”

“Specify?”

“I feel unsafe.”

Tyler sits in front of Josh. “What do you need?”

“I'm yours, right?” Josh's voice is small. 

“Of course.”

“Show me.”

Tyler kisses Josh gently. “Mine.” One of his hands tangle in Josh's hair. “Mine.”

“Do whatever you need to show me.” Josh mumbles. 

Tyler’s free hand cups Josh's face, his thumb brushing across his lips. “These are mine.” He kisses Josh again and again and again, each time whispering mine under his breath. 

He takes Josh's hands. “These are mine.”

Josh whimpers softly. 

“Is this okay?” Tyler asks. 

“Yes, yes, keep going.” Josh sounds out of breath. 

Tyler's hands slip under the hoodie Josh is wearing to grip at his waist and smooth across his stomach. “This is mine.” His hands move up, fingers tracing the bumps of Josh's ribs. “These are mine.”

“Yours.” Josh is shaking. 

Tyler pulls off Josh's hoodie and runs his hands over his tattooed arms. “These are mine.” He leans in and kisses Josh again. “You're mine.”

Josh clings to Tyler's shirt. 

Tyler slips one hand beneath Josh's sweatpants and boxers and cups his dick. “This is mine.”

“Show me.” Josh murmurs.

Tyler eases off Josh's sweatpants first, watching as Josh lies back and shakes. “This okay?”

“Yes.” Josh answers, so Tyler pulls off his boxers. 

Tyler kisses Josh's stomach, Josh's hips, Josh's thighs, before he takes Josh into his mouth and makes his best friend arch silently off the bed. 

Tyler's definitely had experience, judging by the way Josh slips down his throat. 

Josh is quiet, quiet, even as Tyler overloads his brain with pleasure. 

Josh cums quick, and Tyler rises to kiss him and Josh swears he can feel and taste himself in Tyler's mouth. 

“Yours.” Josh gasps. “I want to, I want…” 

He pushes Tyler onto his back and settles between his legs, yanking his boxers down just enough to take him in his mouth. 

He's sloppy, inexperienced, but Tyler muffles his sounds behind his hand and cums anyways.


	23. stay in place

_tyler_

**yeah?**

_here_   
_now_

Tyler gets up from the chair in his dressing room and slips into the hallway, dodging questioning eyes. It doesn't take him long to find where Josh is hiding: beneath the couch in his own dressing room.

“Hey.” Tyler says.

Josh doesn't respond, only shakes.

“What's wrong?” Tyler doesn't make any sudden movements towards Josh, doesn't even look at him, just lies on the floor and stares up at the ceiling.

“P-people are writing about me like they know what happened.” Josh whispers. “Like it's a character trait they can just slap onto me. Like my trauma isn't important. Like I can be fixed because you love me.”

“That's shitty.”

“I can't be fixed just because you love me.” Josh shifts into a more curled up position. “Is that bad?”

“Of course not. Love can't fix anything by itself. I love you and I help you, and it's the help that can fix you, not the love.”

“Okay.” Josh stares at Tyler. “I don't want to come out.”

“That's okay.” Tyler looks over at Josh. “Do you want me to come under?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Silence.

The quiet is drawn out, long, only Josh's shuddering breaths fluttering underneath its surface like fish. Neither of them want to talk and shatter the frozen pond.

Josh crawls out from underneath the couch after what feels like hours. He curls up next to Tyler, head on his best friend’s chest.

The pond melts naturally, and Josh finds it within him to speak.

“We’re not dating, are we?”

“No. We’re not.”

“We’re not just best friends, either.”

Tyler tangles his fingers in Josh's hair. “Nope.”

“What are we?”

“Us.”

That's answer enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> meta

**Author's Note:**

> send prompts to my tumblr @ [rainbowhairjosh](https://rainbowhairjosh.tumblr.com%22)
> 
> you can send prompts set in this universe or anything else really send whatever you want


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